Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in heyyou8685's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, December 7th, 2010
2:02 pm	12/7/10 I was looking around on fetlife and found this description....this describes everything I want/need. i have never been able to find the right words....i feel very empowered right now! "SirVice: about 1 month ago Ah brats. Mmhmm. They are a special breed. Most of my experience is with brats. They act up when they want to play. That is their way of telling you. They are looking for a response. She wants to be dominated! Learn the difference between being bratty and being turned-off. A bratty response means she likes it. Turning away and saying, "fuck you asshole" is totally different. They key is to up the level, but just barely. If she gives you a look, give her a bigger stare. If she then pokes you, slap her ass once. You want to raise the energy level just enough with each exchange. It's a game. DON'T loose control and rage out if she smacks your arm. Take it slow and have a sense of humor with it. Build the excitement with your interchange. So if she starts at 1, take it to 2. Then she goes to 3, and you to 4. Get it? Don't take her 1 and go to 10 immediately. After 5 or 6 alternating steps, then throw her down! She will want it at that point, but not before. Brats really have a problem giving up control. You have to take it from them, but you have to earn that honor. It is a test. It may change over time, but it might not. It can seem like topping from below. If you don't have patience for that, don't play with brats. They are the toughest kind of submissive." Current Mood: thoughtful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 28th, 2010
8:49 pm	life I HATE when life gets in the way of my plans!!! and its not even like there is anyone to be pissed at. someone didn't say "lets screw up megan's plans and make them all have to change". at least if someone said that I could be pissed at them. now i am just sitting here sad and mad at no one. I have been trying to plan some kind of swimming party thingy for a long time. every time I plan it someone is working or sick. i really really needed daddy time too. I wanted them to be separate. i am a little bit mad that they have to be together now. i feel like i am being pushed away, but i know that i am not and life is just busy for everyone. that doesnt make my heart any less sad. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 23rd, 2010
8:01 pm	life is very disappointed in the situation and myself, I don't know why I keep letting this happen. all I have done for 2 days is cried and I really need to just grow up and stop it, but I can't. I wish I could just move on and be ok. I feel sooo lonely its not even funny. even when the girls were here I was lonely. even at the summer birthday party I was lonely. I am tired. tired of trying so fucking hard. tired of fucking up. tired of feeling. sometimes I just wish I could stop feeling anything. I wish I could stop working so hard, but thats all I know. thats the only place in this world where I feel comfortable and needed. everywhere else I feel like I just dont fit in. there is always something that I am missing, and I don't know what it is. if I did I would try to fix it. I wish I could just be normal. I just want to find my nitch in life. maybe old school marm is it. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 8th, 2010
8:47 pm	life i feel like as soon as i get to a sane happy pace i ruin it. its like i enjoy sabotaging my happiness. i don't get it. i don't know how to stop it. i just feel alone. and as soon as i get used to being alone i don't feel alone any more. then i screw up and feel even more alone than before. i should have stayed home and cried on my birthday instead of trying to go out. but honestly i just felt like hurting myself on my birthday and i couldn't do that either. i wish i knew where i fit in. its like everywhere i can almost fit in, but almost only counts in horseshoes, lawn darts, and hand grenades. and life isn't any of those. its like when i finally feel comfortable with a group the entire dynamics change and i don't fit any more. maybe i am just so against change that i cannot change with life, maybe i just really don't fit in. the only place i fit in is work and even there i truly truly wonder if i really am doing any good. i need to start trusting people again. i never truly let go of anything. and i don't know how to. i don't know that i will ever really be happy, but i hope that i will positively influence someone elses life. Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 1st, 2010
10:14 am	July 01, 2010 dream- My family was all packing up and heading to this huge hole in the ground so that we could survive the end of the world. i remember leaving twice to go get stuff that i forgot ant my mom was freaking out because what if they wouldnt let me back in. i found emily and someone else on the way. I was not panicked at all. when i was heading back down the last time the gound started shaking and pushing people over. i fell straddling this cute guy. we ended up fucking before i went back int to hole. it was amazing sex! (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 9th, 2010
7:08 pm	5/9/10 My bones are tired, Daddy I don't get enough sleep I don't eat as good as I could, Daddy What's that say about me? Sometimes I sleep past noon, Daddy Drink lots of black coffee and I smoke like a chimney. Yes, I left the refrigerator door half open, Daddy. What's that say about me? Sometimes I want to rip out your throat, Daddy For all those things you said that were mean. Gonna make you just as vulnerable as I was, Daddy What's that say about me? Sometimes I want to bash in your teeth, Daddy. Gonna use your tongue as a stamp Gonna rip your heart out the way you did mine, Daddy Go ahead and psycho-analyze that. 'Cause I'm your creation, I'm your love, Daddy. Grew up to be and do all those sick things you said I'd do Well last night I saw you sneak out your window With your white hood, Daddy What's' that say about you? I'm sloppy, what's that say about you? I'm messy, what's that say about you? My bones are tired, Daddy (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 8th, 2010
3:13 pm	5/8/10 so i have officially decided i am addicted to sex.....the only thing i have done for the past 3 weeks is play with myself or go to work. and i still havent really gotten anywhere. this is an awful feeling. i have nothing in my power to fix it....other than doing a ton of one night stands, but who knows in those i might find someone who can make me cum....doubt it though. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 14th, 2010
12:29 pm	4/13/10 i dont know if any of this is a good thing. i feel like i could not have went on any longer without any of you, but i already feel as if i am falling into the same patterns. i was a little irked that you gave in and re opened the communication....but then again if i was not strong enough how can i expect you to be? i seem to be living more moment by moment. and i guess thats a good thing. day 3 with out smoking is now over. i am going to aim for 2 months this time. it is hotter than hell in my apartment and it is really starting to piss me off. i need the air turned back on. i want to leave the windows and stuff open, but that really isnt safe. i am soooooooo i dunno. i feel myself slipping into a sitting in bed reading books kinda mood. and i think that is ok. as long as i keep doing what i am expected to do. i hate making the time to take a shower.but when i get into the shower it feels so nice. i just spilt nail polish remover all over my new book.....ahhhhh i am sooooo pissed at myself. its a new book by the lady who wrote crank. i also got the next inkheart. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 8th, 2010
1:57 pm	4/8/10 today was another day from hell. i dreamed that you came over last night after catering. i did sleep with the tv off though, i think i slept better than i usually do. i still have not really been able to play....i get a good story then a twist happens in my head and it turns into a Daddy/daughter story in my head and i start crying. i have started smoking again and kinda quit working out. i am hoping to rest up this weekend and start anew on monday. i went to therapy yesterday and just pretty much bitched about life. she made me sign a statement saying if i was ever feeling suicidal again i have to call her before i do anything. hopefully tomorrow is better. Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Monday, April 5th, 2010
9:01 pm	4/5/10 today was a rough day. i looked at my own journal yesterday. i am soooo afraid that in this time i will loose you. i came home and did laundry and cried. this is the first time i have done laundry that wasnt at your place. its silly the little things that get to me. my sister and i have a dinner date for thursday. she and i chatted on the computer a bit tonight and all i have done since is cry....i just hope i dont cry on thursday!!! i am going to see lisa (the therapist) on wednessday and discuss all the things that have been going on for the past month. hopefully i will be able to handle the world again Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 4th, 2010
9:51 pm	4/4/10 i feel soooooooo lonely all the time now. yet kind of empowered....wow i really can do this. it doesnt make sense to me. all i want to do is talk to you....i keep wondering how long i can fake being ok. i want you to call me or im me sooooooo badly. then i cannot blame it on me. then i can act like i am going back to you for a reason other than i need you soooo badly. i know this is what i need, but late at night or in the middle of the day when all i need is a hug, i wonder if i can do it. i have been spending a lot of time at emmys.....i dont know who is getting more out of it, me "being there for her" or her distracting me from the evils of my head. all i want is to not have to pretend any more. i am pretending around everyone and it sucks that no one can see through it, but isnt that the point in pretending....so no one can see what i am really feeling. my brother and sister are not dealing well with the shit that is going on. it sucks. i just want someone i can talk to about this stuff. but nope no one was EVER there for me like you are. even though being there for me is hurting like hell i know that you are doing exactly what i asked you to do. part of me is pissed that you are listening, but part of me loves you more for it. i want to go back to being a kid when life was easy. though when i was a kid i didnt think life was easy. and maybe it wasnt....but it just gets harder. Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Monday, March 29th, 2010
2:06 pm	3/29/10 its like i am doing sooooooo well and then it hits me that i cannot call you and i cannot have a hug or anything like that. it sucks. i have stopped seeing tom as well because i think a clean break is what is necessary. it is going to be hard, but i have never made myself wait...ever. pretty much as soon as i was tired of playing with myself i started fucking and shortly thereafter went into the whole spanking funness. this sucks. i miss you. i am worried that something really bad is going to happen to you while i am doing this and i am never going to be able to be your friend again! Current Mood: frustrated (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 28th, 2010
12:30 pm	3/28/10 So I have kept myself busy this weekend, it was either that or sit home and cry. I decided that i better start getting out there so that i can go back to being friends again with out my evil jealous streak. I have put on makeup every single day and dressed semi nice(and worked out). I was really really upset on Thursday when Marilyn didn't come see me. but its ok, i need to realize she will never be more than just casual friends. I have been trying really hard to remain positive. it isn't always working, but I still think I am doing a good job. half of me still thinks i am trying to be the martyr and i should just get over myself, but i think thats partly my insecurities and my ummmm kinda not let me succeed part talking. Amanda is convinced that i should not write what i am doing on lj because that is still using you as a crutch. i am not sure i could continue with nothing at all though, but i totally see her point. i know that if i were in a really really bad place and said something on here you would be there for me. and maybe that is just my brain making things up, who knows. but i don't know if i can not have that little bit of connection in my life. i am extremely worried that when i am able to be back in your life you wont have a spot for me. that scares me so much. i have been soooo close to calling you or texting you or sending you an e-mail. I sometimes think it would be easier on me if you hated me or i hated you. but then i think that it wouldn't because i would not have someday to hope for. so, if i randomly stop writing in here please know why. sometimes I am having a very hard time dealing with this. and then other times i feel ok, and almost proud of myself for being able to do this and continue moving on with life. Current Mood: confused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, March 26th, 2010
9:28 am	3/26/10 I did not start crying the minute I woke up today. I guess that is a good thing. I feel numb. Like all I want to do is go crying in my daddy's arms, and since I cannot allow myself to do that I guess i will just go through the motions today. Maybe that will be all I can do for a few days. I just want to find someone fast so i can have that substitute and see my daddy again. but will that make me settle for the wrong person? do i care at this point if it is the wrong person? All these thoughts and emotions swimming around in my head and I am just kind of passive. maybe this is the next step, maybe i did the whole angry first then i went to sad and now i am at numb and then slowly i can move on for now. "we're too busy trying to relive our past, that we cannot move onto out future" Unknown Current Mood: numb (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 25th, 2010
8:33 pm	today today was a very rough day, especially knowing that i have 3 more days of loneliness before i get to go back to work. i finally got up the energy to shower and i decided to dress nicely so that maybe it would rub off on my mood. i left the house planning to go panera and eat lunch and sit and read. i ended up texting everyone and their mother to see if they would hang out with me. finally alesha said she would so we went to lunch then to page turners. it was really hard to pretend to be ok, but i did, i didnt cry till she got out of the car. i got a whole bunch of new books so hopefully they can keep me busy while this hurt is so fresh. i dont feel like i can ever move on or feel better, and i know this is what i am doing and what i thought i need to do. i dont know any more. i found a quote that helps a little. it is " A part of you has grown in me so, you see, it's you and me together forever and never apart, maybe in distance, but not in heart." and though there is not real distance between us there is imaginary distance and there needs to be for a little while. i think that what i did today was kind of being a chicken, it was not dealing with what i need to deal with on my own. i am going to try harder tomorrow. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
11:25 am	today so, my heart is broken. and its my fault. this sucks. there is no part of me that wants this, but somewhere i know that i need this. i was listening to pocahontas last night and it helped. it was the just around the river bend song. there has to be something more. but while i am getting 70% of what i need i cannot make myself go look for someone who can give me more. it hurts more than i could ever imagine. i kinda feel bad for not being more. i think what is hardest is i know that NO ONE will be there for me as much as he was there for me. and maybe that is what i need. maybe i need to learn to take care of myself. part of me doesnt think i can do it. i need to stop expecting things and start making sure that what i think is going to happen is really what is going to happen, but where is the point of being too annoying with that? maybe i should just never expect anything out of anyone again. it is soooo hard for me to find a balance in my life. i dont think that i would while still having my daddy, he would always have come first. i need me to come first. i dont know what i am going to do, but i hope that this pain lessons sometime soon. i feel worse than i did when jenn walked out of my life. and i was just as close with her. part of me wonders if i push people away when they get too close. and i think that in the begining i was. he was just too close and that scared me, but i think through this last week i have realized that i dont have the willpower to move on while still so close. and though i truely do not ever want to be gone from his life i think that bye removing myself for a period of time will allow me to find someone who can be there for me like i need and want, someone who will be a potential husband. and when i find someone like that, then i will be able to be friends again. though part of me worries that now that i have done this i will never be able to go back. by the time i am ready there will be someone else filling the void that i left. and while that will make me happy because i dont want him to hurt, i will be very very sad and dissappointed. i am soooooo scared about what life is going to bring on, but i know that my daddy has taught me the skills i need, that i was missing, to move on and get what i need. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 19th, 2010
9:27 pm	quotes you never come back, not all the way. always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet. a barrier thin as the glass mirror. you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand for the rest of your life with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down, backward, and sad~wasted marya hornbacher it seems the harder that i try the further i fall behind~home grown I would kill myself but it would be redundant~unknown You never said how I had to tell you, but I do not want to live any more. I'm sorry for hurting you~ Every addiction is just a way to treat the same problem. Drugs or overeating or alcohol or sex. it is all just another way to try and find the peace that doesn't exist~unkown Why fear death? It is the most beautiful adventure in life~Charles Frohman Fish die upward, and rise to the surface. Its their way of falling ~andrew Gide Is death the last step? no it is the final awakening~ Sir Walter Scott Every man must do two things alone; he must do his own believing and his own dying~Martin Luther One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly~Friedrich Nietzsche Dear World, I am leaving because I am boredI feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. good luck~George Sanders (in his suicide note) A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist ~Steward Alsop Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 25th, 2010
4:55 pm	journal yesterday was very very crappy day for my mood. i was having a very very hard time staying positive. in the end my daddy came over and made me happy. i loved the things he made me do, but wanted more. i am still wondering if he forgot the rules he is supposed to be giving me. i am really craving some pain, but i HATE asking for it. i want to pretend i dont want it. i think that is part of me that still thinks i should not be doing things like this. today i havent really gotten much done, i guess i am trying to declutter my life. it is slowly working i think. it is a slow process. Current Mood: horny (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010
8:53 pm	journal today was a very rough day. the morning went well, but when i got out of my second job i remembered that i had therapy today. for some reason i just didnt want to go. i just had to much to do. i wanted to e-mail claire a ton of stuff, maybe do dishes if there was time. so i went home and checked my e-mail then went to therapy. there i guess i just ranted about my week for the first little bit. then we got into how and why i didnt really complete what i wanted to and how i should have said no to picking up brittany. how by volunteering to pick her up i was still avoiding the anxiety, which is not good because i had said that i would still feel the anxiety because there were going to be people i didnt know, but that i still felt very comfortable with those people. that was probably one of the most comfortable places i could have dealt with my anxiety. who knows when i will get another situation like that. i guess i am very dissapointed in myself. i dont think i got much out of the rest of the session because i was kinda focusing on that. though i know we kind of talked about how i was probably missing somethign that i needed in my childhood. and by identifying it i may be able to find a way to get it now. all i could think about was what i found when i was like 9 and how that was a very defining moment in my life. i couldnt bring myself to say anything about that though. when i left there i just felt like crying. i really just wanted a hug. i had to go pay my cox bill between jobs. sitting there i kinda people watched and was just very sad about it. afterwards i went and sat at the tree park and cried. i got over it and went to work, it all went fairly well, the kids were still fighting, i dont think i am going to get one day where someone is not having a melt down. when i got off of work i just wanted to get home to go swimming. i did, and i did the dishes then i checked my e-mail and found out that the two things i have planned for the summer are on the same day. how do i choose between my family that i dont really know and my friend who is like family? i HATE being a grown up and having to make this decision. i am ultimately going to have to choose my family. cousins i have not seen since i was 12 are going to be there, and all the cousins, aunts and uncles have never been together before ever. what an emotional day. i am going to try my best to let it go and go to bed now though. even though i have had 2 cups of coffee....not my brightest idea to drink coffee at dinner time!!! Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
Monday, February 22nd, 2010
6:59 pm	today so, today was a generally good day. i think that i feel better when i do something for me everyday, mostly cleaning. i love having a clean house. i dont know why. i mean the house i lived in with my parents was always generally clean, but my house is like waaaaay waaaay cleaner than that one ever was. i vacuumed and cleaned the tables and the living room today. i kinda feel like cleaning more, so we will see what else gets done. i could clean off my coffee table, do the dishes, clean the bathroom, the kitchen floor, and pick up and vacuum my bedroom. i am debating if i should do more or if i should clean more tonight or if i should clean a little each day. hmmm, we will see. (Comment on this)