heyyou8685

dream

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 12:21:32 GMT

so no horrible dreams, but i did have some weird dreams. i went to church with my cousin emily. the windows were really really dirty and it was very dark inside. the church service started and i felt kinda sad like i usually do at church. all of the sudden bright light started coming in from the stained glass windows. someone was on the outside cleaning them. emmy's parents were right in front of us at the church. there were 4 little girls who carried the gifts up to the alter. then when it was time for the readings lenka went up to do one. she was sooo little and she cannot read, but she apparently had memorized it. she tried to read it, but the microphone couldnt reach her so no one could hear her. i told her she did a good job on her way back to her seat. when it came time to shake hands there was another girl in front of us who kept her hands by her side like she was either too good to shake hands or she was afraid of germs. the church service ended and the stained glass windows were all cleaned. there was somehting else but i dont remember.

dream

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 11:16:23 GMT

I had horrible dreams about dead babies last night! it was not cool at all. i was at the hospital to go see dead baby nick and there were many other children there. they were not with their parents and they were just wandering around. i told them to get on the elevator with me and we would help them find their parents. i assume they did find their parents. then i went to the mourge to see baby nick. the hospital was like one in a 3rd world country. there was a room for the kids and some were still alive but some were dead. baby nick had a huge head and small body. the other children all wanted me to touch them or pay attention to them. i was crying through almost the whole dream.

dream

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 12:05:30 GMT

i had the absolute weirdest dream ever last night! in the beginning of the dream i told my boyfriend of the time that i was pregnant. i dont think i was pregnant though. i figured that if i told him i was and he would not use a condom and i could get pregnant real quick. i was also thinking of ways to steal a baby if that didnt work. i kept getting fatter like i was pregnant. it was weird.

i think that this was a different dream, but it was just as weird. i was going home i think. but it wasn't my parents house or where i live now, though Christopher was there when i got there. i parked in a parking spot, so I'm kinda thinking that it is an institution. when i got there Christopher was talking to some lady with a little boy on the front porch. the little boy was hanging on the railing. it looked like the fort Omaha school building number 5 now that i think about it. i went inside to a bed, I'm assuming it was mine. the room was tiny, i think it was just sectioned off not actually a room. the bed was a hospital bed. it had a tray with a cup of water on it. the cup was a small plastic purple one. (this is where it gets really weird) i laid down in the bed and looked in the cup. there were 2 dead spiders floating in the water. i saw another spider coming down from the ceiling and i put the cup up to him when he got close and he ended up floating in the water. i saw a ton more spiders and i kept concentrating on putting them in the cup even after Christopher came in and sat on a chair next to my bed. after i caught a huge spider i showed them all to him and told him he needed to fix the spider problem cause i was tired of accidentally swallowing them. then i woke up.

dream

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 13:44:28 GMT

i had a great dream last night. it was that i was cutting my leg with a knife and then i fell asleep. in the dream i woke up with blood all over the blanket. i can still feel it around me. it was warm and sticky. it made me happy.

dream

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 01:57:42 GMT

so, in my dream I went to a farm. I was preparing a classroom with amanda as my co-teacher. She didnt like much of what I wanted to do. In reality what I wanted to do didnt make much sense. my parents showed up and it was like a family reunion kinda thing, but not really. the owner of the farm was kinda trying to teach me about it. the golden retriever got sick and the farmer shot him. he only wounded him hoping that the dog would run away and lead the wolves away from his land. something happened in the feild and all the men who worked there had to leave and go deal with it. my parents came outside and watched the comotion with me. i looked down and saw mister. i was soooo mad at my dad for bringing mister. he was like 1/3rd of the size of the other cats. and then i woke up.

dream

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 13:44:01 GMT

so, this dream was really really weird. i was watching some guys film a movie in my neighbors yard. i didnt know what was going on or anything so i went to bed. but i went to bed in my brothers room. in his room there were only 2 couches and no beds. so i fell asleep. the morning came and my alarm clock was going off. i ignored it a few times. then i started playing with myself. my parents came upstairs. so i kinda stopped, i didnt move my hands though cause the blanket was there covering everything. my dad peeks into the room and says yeah i think shes awake, shes kinda sitting up on the couch. so then both of them leave for work. im dawdling a lot cause i really dont feel like getting up today. i finally went downstairs in just my robe. i went to the kitchen and looked out the window. the movie guys were setting up in our back yard. i was confused but whatever. i get my cereal and someone comes in the back door. i jump and ask the man what he is doing in my house and he said that he was taping the guy from the window cause thats the perfect angle. he told me that my dad said that he could be in there. so i say ok and go to the computer to eat breakfast. i end up playing under a blanket. he comes in to tell me something and sees what i am doing. so i kinda run upstairs to my brothers room. they end up using a different shot from the top of the stairs as well, i was in lucas' room completely lost in my play and then i go to the bathroom, i "sneak" by the filmers. i get freshened up and then i go out letting the bathrobe fall open in the middle. they could see between my boobs and my panties. i start flirting then lucas comes home. this is where i wake up because in the dream im freaking out cause im late for work.

dreams

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 13:48:26 GMT

so, im slacking. wednessday night i had a dream. i went to fremont with jenn, jill, manda, and michelle. we didnt tell michelle, but we were going to see missy. when we got there things were weird. they lived in a different place. i think they were moving from empty apartment to empty apartment. she was like 8 months pregnant. i finally found mike (her husband) and he said she is acting normal and to leave them alone. i said "but missy invited me up here. she sounded upset." he kept insisting that nothing was wrong and everything was alright and i should leave without seeing missy. i finally insisted on coming in. she was in the bathroom with a bunch of blood around her screaming she lost the baby. mike said it was time for me to go now. i walked outside and missy was out there dressed normally, talking and acting normally too. she said calmly that she lost the baby, but everything was ok. she went over and said hi to everyone. my neices were in the car too. then we left.

now for last night. i dreamt that i was taking a class. it was like a non credit class through metro. cooking class i think. the evans kids were there, so was heather. there were some other people i knew there. suddenly someone comes in and starts shooting. he didnt end up shooting anyone i knew. except me. he shot me in the stomach. i tried to just stay quiet when the emergency people came in cause i knew that there were people more hurt than i was. it felt like a bb gun more than a real rifle or something. it didnt hurt that bad. i stood up and looked down and there was blood all over me and the floor and everything. in the dream i passed out. i dont remember anything after that.

in another dream from last night i was at a playground with rachael. we saw some big car surrounded by a bunch of security cars and whatnot. rae and i went to the edge of the railing in the big club house kinda thing. we saw the president get out of the car. we were soooo excitied. i couldnt believe it. we started jumping around and yelling and screaming. i cringed and looked down. there was still blood coming from my side. i just put my hand over the spot and waited to meet the president. when we got up there it wasnt the president. it was like the secretary of agriculture or something. i still got his signature and shook his hand. we went over to a table of like pins and whatnot that they were giving away and took as many as we could. some crook looking guy offered us 500 dollars for every item we would give him. i felt like he was going to do soemthing evil with the items so i said no. i kept trying to leave the club house like area and i couldnt. no one would move so i could leave. then i woke up.

quotes

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 02:02:01 GMT

I'm so tired but I can't sleep, standing on the edge of something much too deep, funny how you feel so much but can not say a word, We are screaming inside but can't be heard.
- Sarah McLaughlin

I'm just a dreamer
I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer
Who dreams of better days
- Ozzy Osbourne

I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down
- Creed, One Last Breath

I keep thinking times will never change keep thinking things will always be the same
- Vitamin C

Life: It's the ultimate sin, a game with no rules that you're expected to win
- Kid Rock

The world's a roller coaster and I am not strapped in.
- Incubus

Darkness. Imprisoning me. All that I see. Absolute horror. I can not live. I can not die. trapped in myself. Body my holding cell.
- Metallica

There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy.
-Dante

You're on the verge of going crazy and your hearts in pain, No one can hear, but you're screaming so loud, you feel like you're all alone, in a faceless crowd

She began to cry. Just crying.. the deep and ugly kind, the kind you lose yourself in, thanking God no one has to see how rubbed and blotched your face becomes, though some detached part of you also wishes there were someone to see you now, to see and understand how sad you are, at heart. They don't see it, of course, and you'd never show them

job/life

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 01:27:36 GMT

so, i quit my job friday. im kind of wondering if it was a smart thing to do or not. i feel as if it wasnt. but i was not happy there anyways so maybe it was. i dont know. i know im not good at handling conflicts. all i ever do is run away. maybe thats my problem, i always run away. maybe i should have dealt with it. maybe all my issues come from the fact that i cant confront anyone or anything. i wonder if i am just a spoiled brat. maybe i expect things to go how i want them to and when they dont i throw a fit. then when my fit dont get me what i want i run away from the situation. actually this is kind of what has gone on my entire life. first i didnt like the teacher so i wouldnt do the homework, my parents tried everything and i wouldnt do it. finally they just gave up. then my fits were because of things that friends did. like jenn leaving for a week. she abandoned me. i didnt care if it was a good thing for her, she abandoned me. so i refused to talk to her any more. about a year later when she came groveling back of course i forgave her, she told me i was right. then she did it again. she hasnt come back a lot. i just see her everyonce in awhile. now its in jobs. as soon as it becomes tough i leave. i have left 3 jobs this year. thats waaaaaay to many. should i have tried to ride it out? should i have suffered through everything that i dissagreed with and tried to slowly change it? i dont know. i guess ill never know.i hope that my parents dont say i told you so. im also hoping that i can either find something fast or be happy with babysitting to get money, maybe doing some extra fun stuff too. i dont know. i have been mentally exhausted lately. is it just the stress from work and school? is it a good thing....should i not have time to think? is it better for me to just be soo busy that i cant think about everything? i mean other than being exhusted i have been a little depressed lately, but i havent had time to deal with it or let it consume me. maybe its a good thing for me then. i dont know. i am now in a really funky mood. im kinda depressed, all i want to do is go buy a razor and cut myself to watch it bleed, but i also kinda have parts of plans of what to do. i dont know how to tell my parents i quit my job. i really really dont want to. i think it may have been easier had i gone home friday. maybe not, cause i would have been soooo depressed and whatnot. i dont know. thats my problem. i need to know why. and there are tons of things that dont have answers to why.

wow

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 12:52:18 GMT

so, this morning i woke up thinking thank god its friday. i think its going to be a long week.

life

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 01:30:48 GMT

so, ive decided that i need my own space. i cant survive without it. i need it because i like routine, i like to know whats coming next. and even though there is kinda a routine here i still have to say when im coming back, half the time i dont know. i also just dont fit in with the routine here. there is no time that i can have the bathroom in the mornings. i fret and worry if i shower at night that im using up all the hot water. if i shower in the morning my mom bangs on the door because she needs the bathroom. dinner has been at different times lately, which is my fault and i feel bad for it. in a way i do want people to change plans for me, but i hate it at the same time. i dont want to be in anyones way. im so tired of feeling like this. i just want to be happy. im hoping that if i have my own space i can get into my routine and be happier, and healthier. i really do like healthy food, but not the same kinds as my parents. when i lived with amanda i worked out at least 3 times a week. there is really no place to work out here, it just feels weird doing it anyways. i want to start doing yoga again, but that feels weird here too. my parents arent the spiritual kinda people. and it just feels weird being like that in their house. i want to start going to church again, but im not going by myself. i dont want to ge because i beleive their bs, but the tradition and sense of belonging is what draws me to it. i went to church for 10 years of my life and i dont think i was really ready to stop. i really want to find where father frank is the preist at. i may go to his church just to see him. he was the preist at the gradeschool i went to till i left. they pushed him out because of his political views and that really pissed me off. the upity parents said he was too liberal. who the hell cares if he is liberal or conservative? that didnt change the way he acted really or what he taught. im really fucking crabby and really fucking depressed so sorry for the rants to come.

dream

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 12:39:20 GMT

i dont remember a lot of it. it seemed like the daycare was moved to my house so i didnt have to go anywhere to work. my grandma came over and said that the boxes between the 2nd and 3rd house across the street was encouraging "them" to come. i dont know who them was or is...but when i went to look outside there were like either protestors or like polititions holding signs across the street. i went out the front door to see better what they were doing and miranda and christopher were in front of my house doing the same thing. holding up signs and yelling and such. there were a lot of people there. the next thing i remember i was in my room playing with some baby birds. these were my birds. one of the girls from work was there too and said something like that little one we come in and give treats to all the time.

and thats all i remember. it was a weird continuous dream. i really really want to know why they were holding up signs. and why were people in my room feeding my bird?!? lol, it was just weird

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 23:26:49 GMT

i stole these, but i love them

That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.
Elizabeth Wurtzel

"It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily.
"So it is."
"And freezing."
"Is it?"
"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately."
A. A. Milne

You cry... you feel sad... you get "help"... but its still there... only now you hide it... you want everyone to believe it is ok... but its not, i'm not ok- its a rollercoaster of emotions, you slowly start to feel better and then all of a sudden you crash again... then it starts all over.

I have periods of enormous self-destructive depression, where I go completely off my trolley and lose all sight of reality and reason.
Siobhan Fahey

Instead of seeing depression as a dysfunction, it is a functioning phenomenon. It stops you cold, sets you down, makes you damn miserable.
James Hillman

I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it.
Elizabeth Wurtzel

life

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 13:55:25 GMT

ok people there has to be someone out there willing to fuck me who isnt either but ugly or a comlete idiot and whose schedule works with mine!!! i was online for 2 hours last night looking to get laid....and everyone there were either so ugly that i wouldnt fuck them or they were stupid, or from lincoln, or married, or didnt have their own place....there has to be at least one guy with his own place who isnt married in omaha!!!! im having major issues today. i am soooo fucking horny and playing with myself just frustrates me cause i cant get off and im sitting here in tears right now because im sooo fucking horny that its not even funny! all i fucking need is some dick. i dont really care about anything else. i have never gone this long with out sex since i started having sex. ever. and i am starting to go insane.

life

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 02:18:27 GMT

so ive decided that i need a group of friends that think like i do. people who i can just hang out with and be myself with. i havent had that in a long time. in fact for over 6 months i havent really been talking to anyone. not really talking the way i need to. sometimes i just need to bitch to bitch, and sometimes i want advice. and sometimes i want to hang out and talk about the world and god and shit that there really is no anwer to. i think thats what ive been missing and why i have been having such a hard time lately. i am a very emotional, thinking, wondering person and i need to talk things out. and with people who are trying very hard to deal with me (i appreciate it by the way) there is either no time- which isnt there fault, or i dont feel comfortable talking to them about deep philisophical things, which isnt there fault either. i guess i have never had to go out looking for friends, ever. in gradeschool they were just there all the way through 8th grade. in high school i hated the first 2 weeks cause i didnt talk to anyone. finally, some girl came and sat with me and then missy and michelle and jill came and sat with me. i think the only friend i have actually made on my own was jenn. and that was because i was having a really good start of the year and feeling really confident. but how do you feel confident if you dont have any friends? how can i like myself? i know thats what i need to do, but i have no fucking clue how to do that. i have been trying different things since fucking 6th grade. nothing has worked. i dont know what else to do. im just lost. i have no further ideas. none. i have tried everytihng i can think of. i just dont know what to do. im frustraited in more ways than one and dont know how to fix it! well the one i do, but hes not doable right now....lol....ok im done ranting.

stupid quiz

Sun, 02 Sep 2007 15:57:48 GMT

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

life

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 01:52:27 GMT

so, ive been thinking. yeah bad thing i know. i think that with the way i think i need to talk everything out. but i also think that i dont because i have been raised-and or just am this way- to think about everyone before myself. so when i really want to say something i stop myself because of some reason or another. its really fucking annoying, but a really really hard habit to break.

dream

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 13:00:58 GMT

so, i was hanging out with amanda and emmy and a few guys--their boyfriends i assume. we were on vacation or something. it was like a grouping of cabins. i was leaving the others to go check on my bird. when i got in the room there were like 5 or 6 extra birds in the cage. they were all conures too, but different kinds. a couple of the green cheek conures were sick, like dying sick. i started freaking out. i had to take them to the vet immediately. i got christopher to bring me there somehow. all i remember after that is sitting on his lap freaking out. he brought the birds back to the dr. he seemed to genuinly care what happened to my bird, not cause he liked the bird, but because i was freaking out soooo much and he didnt like that.

life-job

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 22:15:18 GMT

ok, so i survived the first day. it went as good as a first day can. tomorrow will hopefully be better. i didnt get the shift i wanted, but that can change. they are getting a lot of new people. that either means that they are horrible and people leave a lot, or that means that they are improving and getting better people. i hope for the second one. im really hoping this works out well. if not, im just saying screw daycare and going into somehting else. i want money now, more than job happiness because i want to move out!!! ok im done for now

life

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 23:50:34 GMT

so, im having a really hard time thinking about tomorrow. its stressing me out. i hate first days. i mean, what if its worse than the other one? what if i screw up before they know who i am and how i am and they think im just an idiot and fire me? what if i didnt understand them and they really didnt want me to have the job? what if im really not meant to be there? what if i know someone there who hates me? what if i crash my car on the way there, and forget my cell phone and cant call them because im in a coma and then they think im a horrible person because i didnt call even? i forgot to call friday, i was supposed to call on friday. i think thats why this started. they were supposed to tell me what the code and where to go on friday and i forgot till today. why am i soo stupid? i should have called! i was going to call. i just forgot. i plain forgot. should i call in the morning on monday to let them know i forgot, or should i just show up? they said 7 30 so i know when they want me there. i know i still have paper work to fill out. what if the lady i talked to isnt there and no one else knows what is going on? what if she is there and she is pissed that i didnt call. i dont think she will be, she seemed very easy going. im just worried cause i didnt call. im having major issues with this. i like to know exactly what is expected of me. and because of me i dont. if i had called i would know. i could have asked all my questions. ok im done ranting.....cross your fingers for me for monday.

life

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 15:52:24 GMT

so, i got the cutest school girl skirt yesterday. i was in the best mood all day because of it. i really dont know why i was in a great mood just because of a skirt. it could have been because i was getting a lot of attention. it could have been because i felt hot in it. i havent really felt like i look good in a long time. it may have been because i knew other people would be really really turned on by it and that just made me happy. i dunno ok im done now.

life

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 05:00:25 GMT

ok, so i have decided that since ignoring everything doesnt work. i am back at the same issues that i have been struggling with all my life. so, i think i need to go about things a different way. this may seem weird, but i think i need to dwell on things. i need to think and rethink, i need to beat every issue to death. this is about the opposite of what i was doing---ignoring the issue. i think that maybe if i over think everything by writing it down, not just worrying in my head, that maybe it will help. so, if random rantings about things that make no sense bug you then dont read any more. i will label the entries life i think. i am not really doing this for people to read or to worry about, this is so that maybe some of these thoughts and worries will stop bothering me.

one of the things i have been noticing lately is that i am having issues with asking for what i need. the reasoning for this is because i really dont want to bug people and i want people to do things for me because they want to not because they feel they have to. i know i know, if i ask for something the answer would be no if they didnt want to do it. but i think that i dont actually blieve that because i have a really hard time telling people no. so my head thinks that if i have a hard time with it everyone else will have a hard time with it too. i have to realize that everyone has different issues. so, saying no may not be an issue with some people.

so, if your still with me for my first assignment to myself is to ask you to not all the time, but sometimes to just respond just a little thing like "hey it will all work out" or "remeber your not alone in thinking that" even if you dont read the post, just a little encouragement every once in awhile.

wow this is a lot harder than it should be. ok, im going to bed now, but i will definetly post more soon, probably enough to drive everyone nuts, but i think this is the only way i will actually write things down cause i cant keep a journal or anything, they just drive me crazy. ok im going to bed now for real good night.

dream

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 12:56:58 GMT

so, i was at the zoo. i was with a large group of people. alisha from work lost her son. he either ran away and was hiding or he just wandered off and got lost. i was searching with 2 little girls. we started in the aquarium. we looked and looked. he was not there. we then were looking in this area that was densely populated by trees. i dont remember why, but we left that area and there was like a day camp/museum type of thing and we started looking there. there was a place where you could just look at what they had there and then off to the right was the day camp area. they were painting over there. the one little girl was like fun and ran over there and took the paint brush out of the girls hand and started mixing all her colors up. i was sooo embarrased.

the end

dream

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 12:35:49 GMT

wow i had 2 realy weird dreams last night

the first one i was with my mom. we went to my aunts apartment. she was out of town and we knew that, but we were going to go stay there for awhile anyways. we were having some mother daughter bonding. all of the sudden the poilce come. they think we broke in. we try explaining that we were given permission to be there. the dream ended there

the second one was waaaaaaay weirder. i was at christophers. the bedroom was set up differently than what it is now, the bed was in front of the window. the walls were blue instead of green, the bedding was all blue as well. we were getting ready to play, there was at least 2 other people there in the room who were going to play as well, but miranda wasnt there yet. i know that my dad is in the boys room sleeping. he had been sleeping since like 7 o clock. he was staying the night for some reason. the door to christopher and mirandas bedroom kept opening. i was worried that my dad was going to see me. we all played. i didnt have much fun. i was to worried about my dad in the other room. christopher and i tried playing again when the other people left, i was starting to get into it when miranda got home with the kids. there were extra kids though....i dont know who they were. she was just going to put them to bed and then come into their bedroom. i stayed in bed because i was lazy and i didnt want to put more clothes on. i went to the door to look out and i realized that the room to where my dad was sleeping was open i kinda started freaking out. i realized that my dad would probably wake up first and if i wasnt downstairs he would wonder where i was and that i couldnt play with christopher without calling him daddy and that my dad may wake up and wonder things and we wouldnt want that. then the alarm clock went off and i had to get up.

i feel like i didnt sleep last night. im sooo tired. ok, im done now

why?

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 12:50:13 GMT

why would anyone call another human life worthless?!?! that pisses me off sooooo much that its not even funny. no life is worthless. i mean the person may be an idiot. they may not deserve to live, but they are not worthless!!!! maybe their reason for being alive just isnt clear to you. are you the ruler of the world? do you see anything from an outside point of view? can you see the big picture? maybe the reason for the life is just to teach someone else a lesson. maybe the point of their life is to fuck up their kids life so the kid can get pissed off and start a program that helps thousands of other kids. maybe their offspring will discover the cure to cancer. then would their life be useless? maybe they will have a president of the usa down the generation line who without them would not be born! there could be thousands of reasons that someone is around and no one will know. we are too close to the situation and cant see the big picture. i am in no way condoning what the person did, it really really pisses me off, but i dont think any life is useless.